JustAGuyinHK

When I was young, Christmas dinner was always held in Toronto. My great aunt, my grandmother’s sister, and her husband would host with their five children. Their house was big and festive, adorned with two Christmas trees and filled with holiday spirit. I remember the warmth, love, and comfort of that time, as well as the large number of people gathered: my grandmother, grandfather, great aunt and uncle, their children, my mom, dad, and my brother. Now, there are only a few of us left. My great-aunt passed yesterday at the age of 96; my grandmother is 98 and struggling both physically and mentally as she moves into a retirement home. Our last Christmas dinner together as a whole family was in 1997, right after I got my first ‘real’ job.

I have been living in Asia for almost 23 years. During this time, the bonds between family and friends have become looser. Yes, people pass away, and there are funerals and memorials, which provide an opportunity to reconnect with family, even if it’s under sad circumstances. The last memorial or funeral I attended was in 2019, and I barely knew anyone there. Over the years I’ve spent in Asia, many family members have passed. They meant a lot to me, but time and distance have made the loss feel less impactful than it should.

My family is getting smaller, which is understandable at 52 years old. I often look at social media to see friends from home and notice closer connections among them, which causes some regret about being away. This feeling of regret is something I’ve never felt since I moved away. I’ve had amazing experiences here: exploring, learning, and growing as a person. But the cost of this has been a lack of connection with my extended family—the aunts, uncles, cousins, and others who formed my family and to whom I was once close. It has made me more distant to former secondary school, university and workmates. It is hard to maintain a relationship with many kilometers between us. I try, as best as I can, and there is always a feeling it not being enough. It hurts when a death happens and fades as time goes on.

The thought of those Christmas dinners has only come up with the death of my Great Aunt. The last time we were all in that house for Christmas was in 1997. I don’t think the thought has come up since then.

In the late 1990’s, before dating apps (Grindr, Tinder, Scuff, etc.), there was gay.com, a Java-based chat website where one didn’t have to post a picture and could talk to people entirely anonymously. It is where I explored my sexuality and the possibility of me being gay in my 20s. I was filled with shame at the idea of being gay, and there are still some parts of that there, but it was a safe place, and I met a guy who changed my life.

He is Alex, and we met the second night we talked because he seemed safe, genuine and pure. We met the second night, talked for hours, and walked even longer. He was cute, but more importantly, he was kind and warm-hearted and could listen. It was love at first sight for me. We moved three or four months after we met and lived together for 2 years.

Alex was my first everything. He put up with a lot of my growing pains to become a fully formed gay person – one who accepts who I am and is continuing to be more comfortable with that. Looking back, I feel a sense of guilt at how I was: childish and immature even though I was older than him. I messed up a few times at the end of our relationship, and when he had the ‘talk’ about how our relationship had evolved into a friendship rather than a relationship, I was hurt. I was moving to Korea and didn’t see the ‘talk’ coming for some reason. I became worse and still feel bad about it today.

When I moved to Korea in my first year, I still longed for him and our relationship, but he moved on to another. I was hurt but more because I didn’t understand. Life moves on, and it is hard to when you are alone. Over the years, we would meet when I would come back. It felt good but a bit awkward, mostly from my end. Until we met in 2017, the last time I was dating someone, he said, “You should be dating someone who deserves you.” I was offended, but I did what I usually do instead of saying something – I cut him off. Over the years, I would write and mildly engage through social media, but nothing meaningful.

Tonight, we met with his partner for several years. Alex took me to a local Chinese restaurant, something I craved when I was in Canada for too long. It felt like our conversation wasn’t natural. I have this weird thing where I emotionally remember everything, like it’s part of who I am. Some details stick to me. Through research, I know it is partially because of my ADHD and partially because I keep a journal. Not remembering my past has always been my greatest fear, but in recent years, I have learned also to record my emotions.

The conversations tonight felt weird because they were bits and pieces of information I had previously discussed, but that was back in 2017. My mind was saying, “why don’t you remember this?” It is the problem of my memory making me feel like it was yesterday instead of 7 years ago. It was going through my mind, but I mindfully brought myself back to why we have lost contact – partially because I tend to cut others off and while holding on too much in my thoughts and emotions. Doing these two things don’t make sense and yet I do them.

Alex’s partner is incredibly friendly, kind, talkative and warm. We bonded and felt good. At the night's end, I talked about how I will return with my new love in the summer. He asked if we could meet up then, and we will. I need to improve at this – keeping in contact with the good people in my life.

Just before Christmas, my grandmother fell and reinjured her pelvis. She is 98 years old, and made me worried that I wouldn’t see her again. My mother has also been ill for a while as well. These things made me book a flight home to Canada.

My grandmother has always lived on her own. She feels she doesn’t need any support. She cooks, cleans and takes care of herself up to this point. My mom lives about 2 hours away, depending on traffic. In talking to my Grandma, you don’t feel like you are talking to a 98-year-old woman but someone in her 70s. She is cognitively aware. With the fall, I was prepared for all this to change with the fear of falling again or maybe some decline.

When I met her, she was on her walker, going down the hallway without anyone around. She uses the wall more to guide her, which is fine. She talked a lot, asking me about my flight, how the food was, and such. Her speech is a lot slower and taking my time to ask or explain things. She wanted to go out and get some food since there were no groceries and we took her to the grocery store.

At the Metro with other shopers

We dropped her off at the store and I pulled out a cart. She walked around with her list picking up things and putting others back. I asked my mom if I should go with her, and she said no. She can do it on her own and did. I went to get some things I need which I haven’t packed and usually get on the way out while she pushed the huge cart (compared to her) around the store. I am guessing she used the cart to support her. It was impressive, but then again, that is my Grandmother.

It is Sunday morning (3:11 am) and we are not sure if she will go to church today and will let things go as they may. It feels weird to allow someone who is supposed to be frail wondering around the huge shop on her own, but if I try to help, I will get yelled at “I can do it on my own.” Yep she can.

I am a Native English Teacher (NET) employed by the Hong Kong Government’s Education Department. I’ve worked at three schools thus far but am employed by the Government, which has checked (and double-checked) my credentials and ensured I am a qualified teacher. I am hired and can be fired by the school, but I am paid and managed by the Government. Every school in Hong Kong has one NET teacher if the Government funds it. There are rumblings, and all of this will change.

The Government is under a lot of pressure to cut costs and find efficiencies. It is not new. All governments are doing the same thing around the world. One idea is to decentralize the funding and give the schools a subsidy. Schools would be free to do whatever they wanted with the money. They could retain their current NET at the exact cost or decide to use the funds to hire two or three other NETs based on their own requirements and needs. It makes sense on a lot of levels.

In recent years, the Education Department has cut the number of teaching hours for English and increased the hours for other subjects – National Security, National Identity, and the teaching of Mandarin as it is more of a focus for the Government. While teaching hours have been reduced, the curriculum and the demands through exams and tests have remained the same. NETs, through the Education Department, are required to teach a set number of hours. These hours have not changed, but giving more flexibility to the schools would allow the schools to reduce the number of hours the NETs teach and provide more time to cover the textbook – which is on the assessments and exams. The move makes sense.

The flexibility offered by this proposal would be welcomed by some schools. If a school is lucky enough to find NETs who are well-trained, have a strong educational background, and have a lot of experience, everything will work out great. It would be a challenge for schools that struggle to attract talent.

These changes to the NET Scheme are proposals and from a few principals and administrators. The government is under financial pressure but also pressure to provide the same level of service. It will be interesting to see how it finds this balance if these changes become reality.

I got a bit older over the weekend. The past few years I had been feeling the age creep up. Professionally, I am comfortable where I was but personally there were issues. People were coming and going in my life more and more. There was this fear of growing old – alone.

This year, the feeling wasn’t as strong. It is because I found someone who may stick around a bit longer. It is someone with whom I feel I can build something. I have been hesitent at the beginning but he has won over my trust and feel I can build a future together more and more. It’s a good feeling.

There are other worries. The older I get, the older my mother, my grandmother and the other important people in my life get as well. They say old age is not for the weak. The more I grow the more I am under,standing this idea. It is getting harder it feels but it’s also rewarding.

I am lucky to have someone to share the challenges and joys.

I got the message last week from my brother. My 98-year-old grandmother fell and re-injured her pelvis. When they looked at it, she has a fracture. She would need to be on some mild painkillers and needs rest. She lives alone, in her own house, with no support. My mother drove the two hours north to care for her mother.

Living overseas is a fantastic experience, and I have been lucky to have had the chance for the past twenty years. The only drawback is when these things happ